Doctor WhatDidYouSay?
by Locheline
Summary: The translation program for the TARDIS fails, and suddenly the Doctor and his companions are speaking two very different languages. Wackiness ensues. Oneshot, I might make it a series of them, just fluffy fun. 11, Amy and Rory and no match-ups, really.
1. Nonsense and Biscuits

Description: _The translation program for the TARDIS fails, and suddenly the Doctor and his companions are speaking two very different languages. Wackiness ensues._

I may or may not continue this, depending upon how well it is received, so if you like it please leave a review and feed the plot bunnies_._

Translations are at the bottom of the page. Enjoy!_  
_

* * *

Amy and Rory were in the kitchen, slogging drowsily through two bowls of Cheerios when the Doctor showed up. He breezed through, doing a fancy little turn at the counter and grabbing a biscuit while he was at it.

"€£¥!"(1)

Then he was off in the opposite direction from which he'd come.

A moment of silence filled the kitchen, and then Amy opened her eyes a crack, just enough to see Rory's blurry form sitting across from her at the table.

"What did he say?"

"I have no idea."

* * *

The Doctor was in the control room by then, happily tinkering away with the TARDIS and talking to himself out of habit. He was going to fix the chameleon circuit today, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Not even the good ones...though there were at least a trillion _ifs_ that needed sorting, and the random _and_ or two. Or ten. The tremalgohyde was low and he'd have to go find some...it was around here somewhere, he just knew it. _Maybe the library? Perhaps. More likely than not. Got a thirty-to-one chance on that one. Bet it's in the history section. Yes! Or behind the librarian's desk; don't know why I've got one of those, though. I haven't even got a librarian! I'll have to pick one up next place we stop..._

The fillibrand would need a checkup, too, just to make sure that the TARDIS wouldn't be landing in any walls for another fifty years or so. But the robidifier was especially important. It automatically restocked the wardrobe whenever it needed sorting, and the Doctor had always found it immensely helpful to have a clean bowtie after saving yet _another_ planet from complete and utter annihilation.

Bowties were cool.

Rory wandered in then, looking as if he'd just been walloped over the head by something rather large. He was still wearing his bathrobe and his hair was actually wacky enough to be in the running with his nose for once. He shuffled over to the pilot chair and tumbled gracelessly into its depths, slumping down until his head was supported by the backrest and his feet were stuck well out in front of him.

"€£¥,"(2) the Doctor said absently, "¥€££€ ¥£€£€¥£ €¥£€£¥£€ €¥£€ ¥£¥€¥¥£!" (3) He smiled hugely at the human for about half a second before turning his attention back to his machine.

Rory rubbed groggily at his eyes. "What?"

The Doctor looked up again, frowning slightly at the younger man. "€¥  
£€£¥£€...€ ¥£¥¥ €¥££€¥ ¥€£ €¥£€£¥£€ £€£¥£€€ ¥£¥ €¥££'€. ¥'€ ££€£¥ £€€¥£¥¥€¥, ££€¥¥€£€¥, £€£ ¥£'€ ¥ £¥¥€ ¥££€¥¥€£€. ¥£€£ ¥£€£€ £¥£ €€¥£¥€¥£ £€¥ €¥£ €£¥ £€€¥££€ ¥¥ €£ €¥£€ £¥£€? (4)

Rory was staring at the Doctor in an entirely unpleasant way, as if with every word he had spit out a few of his teeth. The Time Lord did a quick check to make sure that wasn't the case, then strode over to stand directly in front of the younger man and began examining him in that slightly unsettling way of his. Rory shifted nervously into a more upright position, wary as always of the Doctor's intensity. "Sorry, I don't speak...gibberish...sorry, again..."

"€£¥¥ £€ £¥€ €¥€£, €¥£ €¥€'€ €€¥£¥ ¥£€€¥£€¥£?" (5) the Doctor asked, his tone more contemplative than offended. It was clear that Rory was being serious. "£€ €¥¥€£€ ¥€£ £€¥'¥ €¥£¥€ £¥¥¥€£¥€£, ¥€£¥¥€£ £€-€¥! (6)

"Sorry, again," Rory added unnecessarily.

"¥£. ¥€£'¥ €£. ¥€£ £€¥€ €¥£¥¥?" (7)

Rory frowned. "Sorry?"

"£¥£!" (8) the Doctor shouted quite suddenly, causing Rory to jump. "€¥£ €¥€£¥£¥€¥£'€ £¥¥€£€¥." (9)

Then he bolted out of the room, leaving one _very_ confused human being in his wake.

* * *

1: Hello  
2: Hello  
3: You're looking gorgeous this morning!  
4: Gorgeous...I just called you gorgeous because you aren't. I'm being sarcastic, obviously, but it's a good sarcastic. Very witty and positive and _why_ are you looking at me like that?  
5: What do you mean, you don't speak gibberish?  
6: Of course you don't speak gibberish, neither do-oh!  
7: No. Can't be. Say that again?  
8: Aha!  
9: The translation program's offline.


	2. Tea, Anyone?

This was a slow update, I know. Don't be getting your hopes up for the next one, though, my life is a burning pit in Hell right now. Or at least close enough to such an example to defy explanation. Commissions, horseriding, switching schools...fanfics are most definitely on the back burner. On a better note, once I _have_ switched schools I'll have three extra days a week to fit all my crap into! So that's...wonderful.

Oh, and I loved the reviews! Thanks to everyone who liked this enough to talk back. I definitely got Amy into this one, Alex, and after a magically explosive plot bunny attack I decided upon the exact way I think the circuit works for Doctor Who. Hopefully this chapter will clear things up for you, Ace and Tennoko, because when I wrote the first chapter I honestly hadn't decided how I wanted that whole bit to work. So here it is!

Okay, now I'll stop talking. Enjoy!

* * *

The Doctor had his head buried inside the TARDIS when Amy came in...or rather, his entire upper body had been consumed by the ship. Amy wasn't completely certain how he was holding himself up-or maybe he was just balancing on his head-but it didn't look particularly comfortable. Still, he seemed to be satisfied with the situation. He was singing what sounded like a Beatles hit in complete gibberish-doing it very loudly, in fact-and his voice echoed oddly in the belly of the ship. Amy frowned to herself. So _this_ was what had sent Rory running off to hide! But she was much, much braver than he and she liked to believe that she'd already seen the Doctor at both his best and his worst. So she sauntered over to the hole in the TARDIS' floor and began tapping her foot on the glass in as annoying a fashion as possible.

Oh dear. He was singing much too loudly for the subtle approach. She'd have to try something else. Amy pursed her lips and leaned over to peer into the hole, managing to fling her hair about in a tantalizingly sexy way as she did. Luckily the Doctor was already looking in her general direction from down there; unluckily, he took no notice of her (not such) subconscious efforts. "Amy!" he shouted, interrupting his helter-skelter song and twisting around so he could come out and say hello. He had indeed been balancing on his head and as he crawled out he almost toppled right back into the belly of the ship. Amy quickly backed out of squashing range, rolling her eyes as she did.

"Good lord, Doctor, how long have you been down there? An hour? You are _purple!_"

The Doctor grinned. "All day, actually! Two hearts, makes for great circulation. What do you want?" Then he narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Did _Rory _send you?"

Amy frowned. "Er...yeah, actually, he said you were speaking in gibberish and he got scared. _Two_ hearts?" She raised an eyebrow.

The Doctor grabbed his tools off the floor and jerked upright again, hair flopping. He looked positively indignant. "It wasn't _gibberish._ If I wanted to speak _gibberish,_ I would have _done._" He turned away and started poking around with the console. "Two of them, yes. One for every occasion. It's really a language you know, gibberish is. Used by small children so they can _pretend_ that they are being secretive when they're really not. Also, they speak it on Hgda-alvada-ringda. Halvarin." He took two long strides to the other side of the console and pressed a few more buttons. "It's not really something you could call a language, but the Halvarinies are so proud of it that no one's bothered to tell them how horrible it really is. The problem here though is, the translation circuit's broken and I actually have to speak English now. It's very annoying." He paused, then looked at Amy. "Where did Rory go, exactly?"

"So _that's_ why you've got the funny accent..." Amy teased. "Rory went upstairs. He said he was going to get all packed up for Rio, and he hopes that you'll actually find it this time. Oh, and that you'll get your head straight once we get there, but I honestly don't think that's possible."

The Doctor had just pulled off a rather large piece of the console and begun tugging on the wiring beneath. "Thanks very much, _Amelia_...no need to be snide."

"Oh, shutap."

The phone rang then, and the Doctor gave a shout as it did and jerked back like he'd been whacked. "Amy, can you get that please-I've got the wrong panel. This one is for the phone."

Amy walked over and pulled the phone out of the thick tangle of wires the Doctor was holding, giving him a look that said, _'no kidding'_, as she did. After she had made her way around to the other side of the console he tried to drop the panel back into its place in the TARDIS, but it just slid off and landed on his foot.

"Hello, Amy Pond here, who is it?" Amy said politely into the phone as the Doctor cursed in Gallifreyan.

"Uh, it's Jack. Can I talk to the Doctor?"

The man in question was busy lifting the telephone panel off the floor at that very moment, using some kind of handle along its side. As Amy watched, the handle snapped off and the panel landed right back where it had started...on his foot. The Doctor howled in pain.

"I don't really think this is the best time. He's actually cursing in gibberish right now-"

"_It's not gibberish!_"

"-and he's not being very polite. You should call back."

"All the Earth's oceans have been drained. I'll be damned if I'll _call back._"

"Oh." Amy held out the phone to the Doctor. "Earth's oceans drained. He won't call back."

The Doctor just stared at her with a pained expression; he'd started trying to pull his foot out from under the heavy panel, but he wasn't having much success.

Rory suddenly popped in at the top of the stairs, wearing a pair of Bermuda shorts and a salmon pink polo. "Would anyone care for some tea?"


	3. Captain Jack of that Torchwood Place

Okay. Before you ask: no. This will not be a crossover with Torchwood. I don't watch Torchwood. Sorry to disappoint anyone who felt a bit of a sting there. I may bring in some of the characters from the other show, but they won't be particularly true to form or anything if I do. They'll only hang around to flesh out the story a little.

And secondly: please put your weapons away! I am terribly sorry for the wait, it feels like decades since I updated this story, and I haven't got any good excuses. Just got bored with the thing. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't added anything to my other WIPs either. As always, I'd still love a few reviews...although a bit of shunning may be in order first.

On the timeline of the story, since I know you guys will notice: it's not really ironed out. I'm waiting to see an episode that will be my cutoff time. It's after 'The Doctor's Wife', obviously, but other than that I may add in more and more as new episodes come along. I'll try and settle this better somewhat in the future, but, well...it was just to good to pass up on this occasion. Unless it becomes so again, just assume that the draining of the seven seas has occurred just after 'TDW' in Amy, Rory and the Doctor's timeline.

And if you don't hate me terribly for making you wait, please throw me a comment! Oh, and if I forgot to turn my little slashy thingies into italicized text, just tell me so.

* * *

It was a simple thing to reconnect the phone panel to the TARDIS, as Amy and Rory soon found out. The time machine itself would repair any damaged cables, the Doctor explained, so all they had to do was snap the panel back into its place on the console. The hard part was explaining it all to Rory. Either he really couldn't understand the Doctor's accent, or he was purposely acting dull to annoy the other two, but it took the Doctor three tries before a light came into Rory's eyes and he crowed, "Right! I've got it now." Then they lifted the panel (which was a lot heavier than it looked) and managed to drop it into place where it belonged. Amy held the phone so it wouldn't ring and electrocute the other two; she had absolutely _refused_to do any lifting in heels.

"So take them off, then!" the Doctor had scolded at her.

"I've also got a miniskirt on. Can't do any lifting in that, now can I? Or would you like me to take it off, too?"

The Doctor's eyes went wide, and he turned away from her as quickly as was humanly (or Gallifrean-ly) possible. "On three, Rory," he commanded as he took hold of the edge of the panel, eyes still as round as saucers.

Then Rory sat down in the pilot's chair and the Doctor got around to flying the TARDIS.

* * *

With a loud, shuddering _thump _the time machine landed and slowly went silent. Amy and Rory let go of their various handholds and stood up, just as the Doctor ran to the front doors and poked his head out to get his bearings. A sniff, a lick of a finger, and a touch of common sense told the alien everything he needed to know.

"92 degrees, sunny, _very_dry, and you'll never guess where we are," the Doctor said as he came back inside and shut the doors behind him. He had an utterly mad and incomprehensibly enthusiastic grin on his face that honestly scared Rory a little, but Amy just raised a brow when the Time Lord didn't immediately continue. "Where are we, then?"

"Guess."

"Hmm." A short pause. "Rio?"

The Doctor's grin widened. "Rio!"

Amy squealed like a stuck pig and ran to open the doors...but when she did, she couldn't help but to be disappointed. "What? I thought this was Rio!"

Rory came up behind her to look out as well. "But there isn't any water! Where's the sea got to?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? You heard Jack, the oceans have disappeared. It's Rio, but it's all dried up! See?"

Amy turned around just to pout at the Doctor. "But what's the point of Rio if it hasn't even got any water?"

"Well...no idea, I haven't been to Rio. But I'm sure we'll find out. Come along, Ponds!" And with that, the Doctor opened the TARDIS doors all the way and strode out into the bay.

It reeked of fish outside. Rory looked around and noticed other people in the harbour too, piling fish onto nets and carrying them back onto land. Crabs were also being carried off, as well as rocks covered in anemones and sea stars.

"So why're they doing that, then?" Amy asked the Doctor, skipping up to his side and keeping stride with him. "They'll just have to put it all back when the sea returns, won't they?"

"They're trying to preserve the different species," the Doctor replied. "All of these animals are going to die if they don't get put into some kind of saltwater mix quite soon. It will happen very quickly and it is probable that most of them will die anyway, even when they have been rescued. It's difficult to properly replicate seawater, you know-the consistency of the salt isn't, well, _consistent_ all the way through, and then there's minerals and vitamins and plankton and all the fish prefer something different. It's an intensely complicated process and I'm guessing that the scientists in charge of it all will get it right with less than half of the sea life, but it _is_their planet, I suppose. I'm sure they know more about it than I do." He hadn't stopped walking, but he hadn't sped up either, and Rory was now walking in stride with them as well. He frowned to himself as something-well, several somethings-occurred to him.

"But there can't be enough water left for all of the fish _and_all of the people," he reasoned. "And besides, making it salty will turn it undrinkable. Either the fish will have to go, or the people will."

"Oh, Rory," the Doctor said, shaking his head. "That's _nothing_ compared to the problems that will come about once people really get to thinking about this whole mess. Japan will be starving in a day, ocean transport will be halted, billions of people will lose their jobs, the very _weight_ and _atmosphere_ of the earth will be altered by the loss of that much water. There will be _wars_over whatever still remains in the lakes and rivers. I had twenty minutes back in Leadworth, but this time the clock's already run out." He turned to nod at Rory over his shoulder. "That's why I'll have to save the world by going back in time instead. There isn't a spaceship here, at least not one the TARDIS could find, and most people don't even bother masking their ships from TARDISes any longer, they're too out-of-date, and anyways they're rare. So I'm assuming that if there was one, it's already left. We'll have to go back in time to catch up with it."

"Then why are we still here?" Rory interrupted. "Why not just go back to the TARDIS and get on with, you know, saving the world?"

The Doctor turned to look over his shoulder again, and this time he had a frighteningly gleeful expression plastered onto his face, the kind one gets when they're about to pull a terribly sadistic and extremely embarassing prank. "Because first, we have to go and find Jack."

* * *

Jack Harkness was sitting in a command booth in an underground government base somewhere in London when the call came. He hadn't really been doing anything important at that particular moment, which was surprising, because he'd been busy with this or that ever since the sea had disappeared and not once had he really expected to be getting a rest any time soon. But he was willing to take what he could get, because unless the Doctor appeared, the problem most likely wasn't going to right itself.

In fact, the Doctor still might not be able to fix things back up, but he was definitely the Earth's best chance at the moment.

**HELLO! CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS! I KNOW YOU'RE AROUND THIS PLANET SOMEWHERE. IT'S THE DOCTOR ON THE LINE. I AM IN _RIO_ BECAUSE AMY WANTED TO COME AND I COULD'NT GET HER HERE BEFORE-LONG STORY, ANYWAY, GET HERE AS SOON AS YOU CAN. OH, AND KEEP YOUR HELLOS TO YOURSELF! THE PONDS ARE ALREADY ENGAGED. AND TO EACH OTHER! SO THERE!**

The announcement cut off abruptly after 'so there', and it managed to draw the eyes of nearly every government expert in the room. Half of the professionals knew who the Doctor was, and half of them didn't, but only a select few had ever been personally involved with the Time Lord. The announcement over the intercom most certainly did not give them any excess trust in the legendary time traveler, or, for that matter, their captain...nevertheless, after the signing of several forms and the retrieval of more than just a few permissions, Jack was permitted to use a teleportation device he'd gotten as a souvenir from the fine futurustic city of New New York.

And then there was the problem of coordinates, which the Doctor hadn't bothered to provide.

But the purpose for all the government experts was to get the ball rolling, in a manner of speaking, so they got to work and narrowed down the list of possible destinations. Based on the information Jack gave them, they made a list of all the places in Rio that matched their specified criteria.

_Coastal area-check. Parking room for a TARDIS-check. Bananas for sale-check._

Of course, Jack didn't know that the Doctor had regenerated, so bananas were a distinct not-so-possible-ity. But the whole lot of them got close enough to the marker that when Jack pressed the button, he arrived near enough to hear the Doctor shouting, "Why hasn't that two bit, nano-loosing, coffee-drinking American immortal phenomenon arrived yet!"

Jack grinned. "Hello, Doctor."

The Doctor spun around and switched hands with his screwdriver. "Hello! Don't hello them, though! Rory's rather posessive, he spent a very long time waiting for Amy here to come out of the Pandorica. She's rather possessive, too. So don't try any _tricks."_

"Hello, I'm Jack. Jack Harkness, a _captain _at the Torchwood Institute. But I didn't tell you that." He gave Rory a wink.

"Oi, keep off, you." Amy was feeling rather upset with Rory's sudden ability to attract Very Important People. Between Jack and the TARDIS, 'the pretty one' was giving her a complex.

Jack then turned to the Doctor. "You regenerated again, didn't you?"

The Doctor grinned in response. "Well. I'm surprised at you, Jack. I'd have expected a quicker observation out of you. Yes, I have, new face and all, bit younger, getting used to it." he frowned. "I seem to get even _less_ respect than that last time, though; don't understand it."

"You could've done better with the chin," Jack mused.

"Wait...what?" Rory was thoroughly confused.

"He _could_ do with a smaller chin, couldn't he?" Amy was just as confused, but she felt a certain duty towards criticizing the Doctor's appearance.

"Oi! You lot...in the TARDIS, now."

They all piled in, and with a flourish that only his youngest incarnation could provide, the Doctor took them all back to that unknown place in London.

That secret place called Torchwood.


End file.
